LET THIS BE YOUR ONE-STOP SHOP FOR
DYSLEXIA HUMOR!

As an inveterate joke- collector, -teller, and -writer, I believe I have now found my true niche with DYSLEXIA JOKES!

Please keep in mind that what follows is all presented not to exploit what is truly a problematic learning disability, but rather to have some fun with anagrammatic word play.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++A

Hiya, Gang!

It's been a while, but I have three new jokes for all you fans and critics:

THE LATEST!

 Q; What is "HBO"?

A: It's how a dyslexic writes out Barack Hussein Obama's initials.

 

A "DYSLEXTRA!"

One of this website's biggest fans is Will "Sugarfoot" Hutchins, who figures prominently on this page. He came up with:

Q: What does a dyslexic Frenchwoman scream during sex?

A: "Al-al-hoo!"

YET ANOTHER "DYSLEXTRA!!!"

Not to be outdone, Webmaster John Schnall offers:

Q: How does a dyslexic answer the phone?

A: "O hell!"

  ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE FORMULARY:

The first dyslexia joke I ever heard about was the graffito:
"Dyslexics of the World UNTIE!"

Then there was the one written by comedian/voice actor Billy West of "Ren and Stimpy" fame which was the song parody "Old MacDonald had dyslexia, O-E-O-E-I."

About ten years ago, I came across my first complex dyslexia joke:
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who can't get to sleep while pondering the existence of "Dog."

Conversely, these type of jokes can be simple. The shortest joke I know happens to be a dyslexia joke:
A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Take note of this "bra" joke as it re-surfaces later.

What does a dyslexic rabbi say?
A: "Yo."
[or its variant found on an Internet search:
Q: What does a dyslexic pirate say?
A: "Oh-oh-oy!"]

My pal Will "Sugarfoot" Hutchins told me these organizational puns:
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexic Association.
--and--
Didja hear about that new group DAM?
Mothers Against Dyslexia.

During my formative years, the "Official" line of joke books put together by comedian Larry Wilde were all the rage in those less politically correct times. Wilde put out "The Official Polish/Italian Joke Book," "The Official Jewish/Irish Joke Book," and others with the words Democrat/Republican, Black Folks/White Folks, Sex Maniacs/Virgins, Cat Lovers/Dog Lovers, Golfers, Lawyers, Doctors, Religious, placed after the word "Official." I remember once reading a joke in one such book in which a fellow of unspecified ethnic origin joined a church choir and started singing "Leon, Leon." It turns out that he had the hymnal upside down and should've been singing "Noel, noel" during a rendition of the Christmas carol "The First Noel." I'd hate to contradict Mr. Wilde, but this situation actually works better as a dyslexic joke.

Speaking of Christmas:

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He ended up selling his soul to Santa.

For another Christmas-themed joke involving Macy's, scroll down below.

One of my comedic mentors, Dennis "Blades" DeLeo of the Bronx told me this one:
Didja hear about the dyslexic who died waiting for paramedics?
He kept dialing 1-1-9.

Sometimes, a jokesmith misses the obvious...I recently was introduced to a new Talking Book narratrix who is distantly related to one of my singing idols, Al Jolson. When I told her I was the "King of Dyslexia Jokes" (see below), she asked "How do they work? Do you tell the punchlines first?"

My reaction? "Hey, can I use that?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
DEREK ORIGINALS

Well, that was it...or so it seemed. If I wanted there to be more dyslexic jokes, I figured I had to write them myself.Here are the Derek originals. I'm very proud of these and hope you, the reader, also enjoy them:

During the Atkins' Diet craze when folks were avoiding carbs, I devised:
Didja hear about the dyslexic on the Atkins' Diet Plan?
He couldn't lose any weight even though he stopped eating crabs!

Didja hear about the dyslexic sex maniac?
He went out looking for an orgy, but ended up spending all night at a gyro stand. [All right, that's a very New York-centered joke for a town populated by take-out places where one can dine on greasy meat sandwiches of Greek origin called "gyros"].

Speaking of New York, the MTA Metropolitan Transit Authority) runs the subways and buses here. But then there's an alternative:
Q: What does "MTA" stand for?
A: It's a cash machine for dyslexics.

This next one really isn't a joke; just a slightly humorous story involving my chosen profession as a recording engineer for Talking Books for the blind....
Once while I was working in the studio with an admitted dyslexic reader, the reader had a problem with the word "prerequisite" and kept on saying "perequisite." Said reader then admitted to having problems when "E's" and "R's" appear together in words. I hazarded, "So that means that on Thursday nights, you don't watch 'ER,' you watch 'RE.'"

An actual story:
I'm very much involved in the Old Time Radio hobby and the group "Friends of Old Time Radio" (FOTR). FOTR stages fan conventions every October in the NYC area, and preceding each evenings' banquet and night of entertainment, we conduct a raffle and auction to help defray operating costs. One year, an interesting group was pulling the winning tickets: Laura Leff, president/founder of The International Jack Benny Fan Club; one of that year's celeb guests, singer/actor Robert Clary (best known for "Hogan's Heroes"); and myself. One of the winning tickets pulled had a six-digit number like "498677." When a fellow with the ticket numbered "--667" came forward after the real winner claimed his prize, the three of us needed to consult the foregoing tickets in order to verify that the winning number was, indeed, 498677, and not 498667. I then said to Laura, "Imagine if this was the dyslexia convention. We'd pull a six-digit number, call it out, and then after a brief pause, hear about a dozen people call out 'I got!,' 'I got it!,' 'Over here!'..."

Didja hear about the dyslexic who was fired from the Evian Water bottling plant?
He kept printing the word "Naive" on the labels.

Didja hear about the dyslexic shopper in midtown Manhattan?
She went looking for Macy's...but ended up at the YMCA.

OR, its variant:

Q: Why won't Macy's hire dyslexic Santa Clauses at Christmas time?
A: They kept going to the YMCA.

Q: Why weren't there any dyslexics at the big anime convention in Chicago this past May?
A: They all went to Maine.
[a noted professional artist in the comic book industry actually assisted me with that joke, but is reluctant to share the credit]

Here's one that might prove too hip for the room involving Dr. Eugene Landy (d. 2006):
If only Brian Wilson were dyslexic--he might've sought out help from Dylan instead of Landy.

Why did the dyslexic have trouble driving from Chicago to California?
He couldn't find Route 99.

Not to be outdone, John Schnall came up with one. When I asked him how it was that we have yet to get any hate mail from dyslexics, he offered "maybe they're sending it to quality-schnallity-at-derek-dot-net."

Relish the next one while you can because it's inevitable that it'll soon be outdated:

Did you hear about the new first-class postage stamps promoting dyslexia awareness?
They cost 93 cents.

It seems the United States Postal Service has already ruined this one. The price of the standard first-class stamp will be increasing next month (May 2007) from 39-cents to 41-cents. The punchline with the lower amount, 14 cents, doesn't quite cut it.

I can't fathom why, but I've been getting a lot of mileage out of the following story--something that happened about twenty years ago.

I was supposed to meet a friend in Livingston, New Jersey and had arrived about a half-hour before the designated meeting time. Nearby was a "Toys 'R' Us" store with a big window sign that read "Now Accepting Applications: Sales and Managerial Positions." I asked for an application and then the fun began.

Often, I wondered why this chain deigns to have a backwward "R" in its logo. Is it supposed to suggest a childish scrawl akin to the way Cliff Roberston's character wrote certain letters backwards in the movie "Charly"? But then again, maybe the logo was designed by a dyslexic! (Does anybody remember when the chain was called "Bargain Town"?).

Anyway, I filled out the employment application and preceded to write ALL the "R's" backwards...the "R" in "Derek," the "R's" in the names of my street address and hometown, the "R" in "New Jersey." It didn't stop there. When I wrote my employment history, I went out of my way to employ word with "R's" in them and kept this going for the entire application.

Toys "R" Us never called me.

I wonder why. I wanted to show them that I was a potential "company man" and that I could tow the company line and write all my "R's" backwards just like they do.

My friend and co-worker Bruce asked me, "What are you going to do when the dyslexics start to portest?," to which I responded "What are they gonna do? Send me heat mail?!

"I just figured that there's one benefit to having an age in multiples of 11 (11, 22, 33, 44, 55, etc.). Those are great ages to remember in the event you're dyslexic.

Not quite a dyslexic joke, but some fun with an anagram:

Once at Talking Books, a narrator rendered the term "martial law" as "marital law." The actor stopped himself, but I facetiously said, "Nah. martial law, marital law--they're the same thing. We can keep your first pronunciation." (We ended up fixing it...I'm not given to compromising the text-purity of a recorded book).

My comedic mentor "Uncle" Floyd Vivino once wrote a joke which turned up about twenty years later when Snapple had an on-going promotional gimmick of placing riddles strategically printed inside the bottle caps for Snapple Iced Tea. Floyd's joke was:

Q: What do you do with a sick boat?

A: Take it to the dock.

The dyslexics might not be able to send me any heat, er, hate mail, but maybe the obsessive-compulsives might with this one:

Q: What do you do with a dyslexic with OCD?

A: Take him to the doc.

I must admit that as one of the world's leading purveyors of dyslexia jokes, I sometimes fall into lapses of temporary dyslexia. Today at work, I referred to "Recordings for the Blind and Dyslexic"--RFBD (based in the Princeton NJ area) as "RFDB."
Spoo!

Didja hear about that new TV-talent competition for dyslexics in Bergen County, New Jersey [regional variant: 'in San Joaquin County, California?']

It's called "American Lodi."

There's actually a story behind this joke: I learned that a therapist friend of mine was "in the office" this past Dr. Martin Luther King birthday holiday. This prompted me to remark that since Martin King "had a dream" and it's the psychoanalyst's job to analyze dreams, maybe it was appropriate that she be working that day.

To me, this was a "throwaway," but various friends, however, thought it was funny. My response was: "Please, I can come up with better jokes in my sleep..." It turns out I can. The latest dyslexic joke came to me in a dream a week later on Sunday, 01-21-2007:

Q: Why was the dyslexic thrown out of the piano bar?
A: He kept spitting in the TIPS jar.

Q: What couldn't the dyslexic mountain climber work up the courage to climb Mount McKinley?

A: He was in Denali.

Hey, gang, I've recently been proclaimed "King of Dyslexia Jokes" by my pal, Will Hutchins, who starred in the TV series "Sugarfoot," "Hey, Landlord," and "Blondie" (1968 version; as "Dagwood"). "Hutch" also played Elvis Presley's pal in the film "Clambake."

Thanks, Will. I didn't have the temerity to self-proclaim myself "king" of anything. Hand me my spectre...

Back in August, Will had just undergone back surgery, and told me he had come up with a joke which he was dedicating to me [A FIRST! I never had someone write a joke in my honour before!]. While going under anasthaesia, Will was pondering that 't'was a good thing he didn't need a leg amputated, considering the horror stories one hears about doctors sometimes sawing off the wrong leg, because if that was the case, Will would have said "I hope my doctor isn't dyslexic!'

The following holidays and comemorations are great for dyslexics, as the numerical values of the months and dates cannot be flipped: New Year's Day (1/1), Groundhog Day (2/2), Cinco de Mayo (for "dyslexicans," 5/5) the aforementioned Will Hutchins's birthday (also 5/5), D-Day (6/6), and Veteran's Day (11/11).

Speaking of holidays (originally posted on 04-05-2007):
IT'S DYSLEXIA INDEPENDENCE DAY (D.I.D.)
THIS SATURDAY...
4/7 !!!

I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A FAN OF FIREWORKS. BUT FOR ALL YOU DYSLEXIA JOKE FANS OUT
THERE IN THE ETHER: IF YOU CAN FIND SOME TIME AWAY FROM EASTER AND PASSOVER
CELEBRATIONS AND THE DREADED TAX-PREPARATION, BE SURE TO ACKNOWLEDGE "D.I.D."
BY ROASTING SOME HOT DOGS.
ME? I GOING TO ENDEAVOUR TO WATCH ONE MY ALL-TIME FAVOURITE MOVIE MUSICALS "1677"
STARRING DANIEL WILLIAMS.

Why was it a good thing that Fonzie wasn't dyslexic?
Because if he was, instead of acting cool, he'd be going around acting "loco."

At first, I was hesitant to situate my latest on this site. Webmaster Schnall commented that I've come up with better ones--and admittedly, I have.. However, one cannot argue with success considering that I've been telling around the following, and have concluded that it's in the Top 5, response-wise (especially among the opera lovers I know). Here goes:

Didja hear about the dyslexic horse-racing fan in England?
He wanted to go to Ascot, but ended up seeing "Tosca" instead.

British fans of this site (and you know who you are) can naturally reverse this to:

Didja hear about the dyslexic opera fan?
He went to see "Tosca," but ending up going to Ascot.

Unfortunately, this variant just wouldn't work in the United States.

We brought in the New Year 2008 by celebrating Saturday 01-04-2008 as
DYSLEXIA APRIL FOOLS' DAY!

All right, folks won't appreciate elaborate pranks out-of-season, but here's something fun you can do (more fun than going into a Toys 'R Us, asking for a job application, and writing all the "R's" backwards -- the full story appears below).

Go to your local library, look up the topic "Dyslexia," and if said library still uses the Dewey Decdimal System, books on dyslexia (and other learning disabilities)  appear with the classification "372." While doing that, check the shelves and see what they have at destination ""327" aaaaand....

Tell the librarian you're having a hard time finding books about dyslexia, that you checked out the shelves for "327," and you only found books about espionage there.

That's how I did it. The nice librarian re-checked the card catalogue (an old-fashioned low-tech one with cards, drawers, and steel rods), told me I had the numbers wrong, and...

"Oh, I inadvertently transposed the '7' and the '2'!"

I have to admit that librarian showed the utmost level of professionalism especially in light of the fact that  I went about this procedure "playing it straight."

And don't forget that Sunday January 5th is "Dyslexia May Day!"

WORKERS OF THE WORLD
UNTIE !!!

Didja hear about the dyslexic with Tourette's syndrome?
He goes around yelling "This! This! This!"

Recently, I needed to be tended to in an hospital emergency room. One of the tests performed...aw, you'll figure it out!

Didja hear about the dyslexic with a heart condition?
He was told to get an EKG...but came back with a keg!

(I'd drink to that, but I'm going to be 21 years sober in a couple of weeks.)

Webmaster Schnall chimed in:

So, you went to the hospital but they ended up finding nothing wrong?
Reminds me of the dyslexic boy who cried "FOWL"

Touche!

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS JUST LIKE YOU!

Before sharing the jokes sent in, here's one I glommed from another website:

Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who never had sex?
They didn't quite know how to do "96."

Speaking of which, there's a website that sells T-shirts with dyslexia jokes emblazoned thereupon including the phrase "I put the 'sexy' in 'dyslexia.'" (Ironic that the letters left over can spell "laid.")

While the Last Mister, er Listmaster, John Schnall was in Brazil on vacation for most of July, he forwarded to me a missive from a fellow named Nick King in Newcastle UK. This past Bastille Day (14th July), Nick wrote me: "A couple of us were telling dyslexic jokes at work yesterday and I was looking for more today when I can across your site...

"I immediately loved this scenario: folks sitting around on company time telling dyslexia jokes
Anyway, Nick shared with us the two following:Two dyslexics are sitting in a car. The first says "Can you smell petrol ?" The other replies, "I can't even spell my name".I found out I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.Thanks, Nick, and all my fellow countryman [both my parents are British-born].

A reader who signed herself off simply as "emma" wrote:

Was just reading your jokes and the few i haden't read i found very amusing and thought you would appreciate this one:

Two dyslexic skiers were just about to start the slow slog to the top of the mountain, and one dyslexic said to the other " Do you have any idea how we make our way back down, do we zig-zag or zag-zig?" The other Dylsexic said " i've no idea, why don't we just start the journey and we can decide while walking!" So they get half way up the mountain and they still can't work out what to do and decide when they reach the top they can ask someone. Finally they reach the top of the mountain and they approach a man and ask him" Sir can you please tell us on our way back down the mountain do we zig-zag or zag-zig?" the man replays " i've got no idea mate im a tabboggonist!" then one of the Dyslexic say's " that's great mate can i have 20 benson and hedges then!"...

After they walk away dishartened with no cigarettes and no idea how to get down the mountain they headed streight for the bra... haha

Hope you enjoyed them.

from a fellow dyslexic joke fan

emma

WOW! Fans.

Mike Kimble wrote:
I was at the hardware store today and had two guys helping me, one looking at numbers in a catalog and the other punching them into the computer. One said “Try this one – 707365.” The other guy typed in 770365. The first one corrected him but the guy making the error was having a hard time seeing it. So I said, “I used to be dyslexic by I’m KO now.” Neither said anything, and I figured they didn’t get it. Later one of them asked me to repeat what I had said. I repeated it and he asked me what the KO stood for. When I told him it was simply OK inverted he got the joke and laughed. So I went back to the other guy and asked him if he understood what I meant. He didn’t get it either, so I explained it to him and he laughed. I figured it would be pointless to ask them if they heard the joke about the dyslexic guy that walked into a bra.

So far, my favourite one sent in comes from Randy Young. Here it is:

Did you hear about the dyslexic tennis player that had to give up the game?
He had tennis bowel. Or, maybe it was irritable elbow syndrome!!

Bravo!

I'm happy to report that having the approval of folks like Elizabeth Jardine of Vanderhoof, British Columbia (which she claims is "in the middle of nowhere") makes maintaining this webpage all the more worthwhile. One of her friends had been sharing dyslexia jokes with her. In a modern-day version of the old radio show "can You Top This?," Elizabeth visited this site and used many of the jokes on this page to shut her friend up.

Elizabeth offers:

My friend is a dyslexic rebel, he beats to the drum of a different march.

Before reader Elliott Gussow found this page, he had only known two dyslexia jokes: a variant on the one about the insomniac-agnostic-dyslexic [you'll find it above], and this one:

"Have you heard about the dyslexic cop who issued the drunk driver an IUD?"

Elliott also loves the idea of Dyslexia Independence Day [also found above].

Dave B. of Lansing, Michigan, sent in a joke specially suited for "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fans.

We are Dyslexic of Borg. You will have your ass laminated.

At first, I didn't get it until m friend Judy Spira, a true "Star Trek" fan explained it to me:

The goal of the Borg is to "assimilate" all sentient beings into their collective. They usually announce "You will be assimilated."
Pretty good except for one thing: Where's the "N" in the key word "assimilated" that ends up in "ass laminated'?

Webmaster John Schnall re-tooled it to:

We are Dyslexic Borg. You will be a "limited ass!"

Billy W/ stumbled upon this page and wrote me a really nice e-mail:

I just ran across your website by mistake as I was reading up on things about Dyslexia. I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child and have had to fight it all my life.... I've done well despite the obstacles. I just wanted to take the time to thank you for your page.... it's nice to laugh about it in such a way when I've spent 34 years all but cussing it. I've passed this on to a dear friend who has a daughter who has dyslexia.... she called shortly after receiving it in tears... she needed to laugh about it.

Thank you again and Dog bless you.

Billy

Wow! What can I say, but "Thanks!" (sorry, I can't think of a way to "dyslexify" this word).

John B. forwarded this one on to me:
The dyslexic traveller who wanted to visit the capital of Japan so booked a directy flight to Kyoto.
From Dave in Scotland

NEAR-MISSES!

When my buddy Steve Thompson did a Google search on "dyslexia jokes" for me, he came up with some of the above (or variations thereunto), plus this one, which doesn't really work for me. It's another graffito and/or bumper sticker slogan: "DYSLEXICS ARE TEEPLE POO!"
(In this jokesmith's humble estimation, this one would work better had it read:
"SPOONERISTS ARE TEEPLE POO!")

Here's half a joke I just can't seem to follow through on. In it, I'd like the punchline to involve turning the name "T.S. Eliot" into the word "toilets," and then tying it in somewhat scatalogically with the title of Eliot's great poem "The Waste Land." Readers?

HELP! I just can't get the following one to work. y'see, I wanted to have a joke about dyslexic Scientologists, and the best I can come up with is:

Q: Why did the dyslexic altruistic entomologist become a Scientologist?

A: He bought the book "Dianetics" thinking the title read "Insect Aid."

That Scientologist joke is absolutely dreadful. If anybody can fine-tune it, see the solicitation for more dyslexia jokes, which immediately follows...

Kevin Walsh sent in:
Your website doesn't mention the Dyslexic vampire who lives in Pennsylvania.
Keep up the good work. :-)

I did try this one out, but folks said "that's not even dyslexic." I like it, however.

Unfortunately, the following, sent in by a fellow named "Len," totally misses the mark:

Did you know dyslexics are fantastic love makers,
oh sorry Glove makers !

all the best
Len

I think that would be "folks hard of hearing," and dyslexics...

Alex Rexin wrote:

do you know this.

police were called to a dyslexic rave. some of the people were taking F's. some others were injecting herons.

Sorry, it doesn't work. I hazard that the recreational drug of choice at "raves" is known as "X" and by "dyslexifying" this situation and making it an "F" doesn't quite cut it. Also, by changing "heroin" to "heron," one letter, the "i," gets dropped. Inorder for it to be a true "dyslexic joke," the suspect word must be anagrammatic with the original.

Recently. I saw for the first time the Broadway musical "Mel Brooks' 'The Producers.'" I had wanted to see it six years ago when it opened up to universal rave reviews and 12 Tony Awards (the most for any single Broadway show ever) which followed a few weeks later. Anyway, I managed to see it a couple of weeks ago and I'm glad I did, not only because it closed on April 22nd, 2007, but also because it was one of the greatest shows i ever saw!
What does this have to do with dyslexia?, you might hazard. Well, the show was playing at the ST. JAMES Theatre on West 44th Street directly opposite the street from the similarly lettered MAJESTIC. If I were dyslexic, I might have ended up seeing Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's "The Phantom of the Opera," which is now Broadway's longest running show ever going on 20 years plus (it just clocked its 8,000th performance earlier in April.

Not quite a dyslexia story...more like one of those puzzles "Puzzlemaster" Will Shortz posits on NPR on Sunday mornings..."Take the name of a Broadway Theatre; drop its last two letters; double one of the remaining letters; scramble those letters and you get the name of another Broadway theatre...amd here's a hint for all you non-New Yorkers: these theatres are right across the street from one another. If you know the answer, drop us a line..."

Can anybody made the following one work involving the words "loop" and "pool" (and possibly "polo")?

Why don't clueless dyslexics rarely get wet?

Because they're always out of the pool.

It just doesn't work for me.

I did, however, hear from two readers recently.

Richard Tibbitt wrote me (spelling my name as "Derik") and posited:

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic pirate?

A. He had a carrot on his shoulder

[Not quite a dyslexic joke. 'T'would work better as "Did you hear about the pirate who was hard of hearing?" But we'll let it slide since Richard offered us praise with the closing "Keep up the good work!"]

Again, SEND US ALL THE DYSLEXIA
JOKES YOU HAVE!!!

The best ones will be posted on this webpage and everybody will be credited by name [earliest correspondents in the event of duplication].

Send them to:
derek@quality-schnallity.com

Be advised that I truly do not hate dyslexics. One could surmise that maybe I once had my "heart" broken by a dyslexic and that's why I'm such a "hater," but, alas!, that's not the case.

In closing, I'm happy to report that this website, for some bizarre reason, is catching on. Thank you everyone who has visited, blogged about it, and/or forwarded links about it. Keep remembering to "Google" (or "go ogle" it) <"dyslexia humor"> with or without the quotation marks, and you'll immediately be taken to this page, the first site Google-cited.

Last updated: 03-07-2008.

If you're European or dyslexic: 07-03-2008.
If you're European AND dyslexic: 03-07-2008.

If you're a "Star Trek " fan: Stardate, 0803.07.

If you're a European dyslexic "Star Trek" fan...

OH, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!