After Alexander the Great died, a corpsof centurions was formed to keep guard at his tomb, around theclock. It was agreed that each centurion would keep a four-hourshift. But this was before the advent of the time-piece, and,since sundials did not work at night, the night-shift centurionshad a hard time knowing when the four hours were up. So the headof the centurion corps visited an alchemist, who concocted achemical formula which turned white cloth brown after four hours.The centurions were each instructed to wear a white rag soaked inthe chemical around their wrist, and when the white rag turnedbrown they would know that their shift was completed. This is theorigination of the term "Alexander's Rag Time-Band."
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Armageddon.
- Armageddon who?
- Armageddon tired of coming up with ajoke every week!
A guy says to his doctor, "Doc, yougotta help me. My wife thinks she's a piano!" the doctorsays, "You should take her to a psychiatrist." The guysreplies, "Psychiatrist! Are you crazy? Do you know howexpensive it is to move a piano?"
Name the Irishman who only comes out insummertime. Patty O'Furniture.
Q: Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski? A:The first telephone Pole.
Did you hear about the midget soothsayerwho escaped from jail? The headlines read: SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE.
Did you hear about the stupid guy whothought "8 1/2" was about Bo Derek when she wasyounger...?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A:One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other one's a fish.
Q: Why are there so many lights on Broadway? A: Because itruns into the Battery.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food'sgreat; there's just no atmosphere.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic,and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up late at night ponderingthe existence of Dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He ended upselling his soul to Santa.
If Waltons actress Michael Learned married popsinger Tommy Roe, divorced him and married Joey Dee, divorced himand married former South African president P.W. Botha, divorcedhim and married Pauly Shore, divorced him and married ArsenioHall, divorced him and married baseball manager Felipe Alou,divorced him and finally married MGM animator Michael Lah, she'dbe Michael Roe-Dee-Botha-Shore-Hall-Alou-Lah.
Q: What do you get when you cross Lamont Cranston and the MonaLisa? A: "The Shadow Of Your Smile..."
Q: What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot-dog vendor? A: Makeme one with everything.
Q: How come Mozart couldn't find his teacher? A: He was Haydn.
Times were tough for Marcus Welby, MD, so he decided to rentout some of his property. He proceeded to rent his garage toMidas Mufflers and some office space to the Poland Spring bottledwater company, prompting him to hang up a sign reading:MIDAS-WELBY-SPRING.
Q: What do you get when you cross a flea with a rhinosaurus?A: A Nobel Prize!