After Alexander the Great died, a corps of centurions was formed to keep guard at his tomb, around the clock. It was agreed that each centurion would keep a four-hour shift. But this was before the advent of the time-piece, and, since sundials did not work at night, the night-shift centurions had a hard time knowing when the four hours were up. So the head of the centurion corps visited an alchemist, who concocted a chemical formula which turned white cloth brown after four hours. The centurions were each instructed to wear a white rag soaked in the chemical around their wrist, and when the white rag turned brown they would know that their shift was completed. This is the origination of the term "Alexander's Rag Time-Band."
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Armageddon who?
- Armageddon tired of coming up with a joke every week!
A guy says to his doctor, "Doc, you gotta help me. My wife thinks she's a piano!" the doctor says, "You should take her to a psychiatrist." The guys replies, "Psychiatrist! Are you crazy? Do you know how expensive it is to move a piano?"
Name the Irishman who only comes out in summertime. Patty O'Furniture.
Q: Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski? A: The first telephone Pole.
Did you hear about the midget soothsayer who escaped from jail? The headlines read: SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE.
Did you hear about the stupid guy who thought "8 1/2" was about Bo Derek when she was younger...?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other one's a fish.
Q: Why are there so many lights on Broadway? A: Because it runs into the Battery.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food's great; there's just no atmosphere.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up late at night pondering the existence of Dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He ended up selling his soul to Santa.
If Waltons actress Michael Learned married pop singer Tommy Roe, divorced him and married Joey Dee, divorced him and married former South African president P.W. Botha, divorced him and married Pauly Shore, divorced him and married Arsenio Hall, divorced him and married baseball manager Felipe Alou, divorced him and finally married MGM animator Michael Lah, she'd be Michael Roe-Dee-Botha-Shore-Hall-Alou-Lah.
Q: What do you get when you cross Lamont Cranston and the Mona Lisa? A: "The Shadow Of Your Smile..."
Q: What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot-dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything.
Q: How come Mozart couldn't find his teacher? A: He was Haydn.
Times were tough for Marcus Welby, MD, so he decided to rent out some of his property. He proceeded to rent his garage to Midas Mufflers and some office space to the Poland Spring bottled water company, prompting him to hang up a sign reading: MIDAS-WELBY-SPRING.
Q: What do you get when you cross a flea with a rhinosaurus? A: A Nobel Prize!