If Rue McClanahan married Joey Dee, divorced him and married Dennis Day, she'd be Rue Dee Day.
The boss called an employee into his office. He asked the employee, "So, do you believe in life after death?" "Why, yes I do," answered the employee. "That's good," responded the boss, " because while you were out yesterday for your grandmother's funeral, she came into the office to pay you a visit!"
If Tara Lipinski married Sun Ra, divorced him and married Admiral Boom, divorced him and married Mr. District Attorney, she'd be Tara Ra Boom D.A.
Q: What happened when the ship
with the red paint collided with the ship with the blue paint?
A: The sailors all got marooned.
Q: What do you get when you
cross poison ivy and a four-leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: What do you get when you
invite Ernest Hemmingway, U Thant, and Chairman and Madame Mao
Tse-tung over for dinner two nights in a row?
A: Papa-U-Mao Mao, Papa-U-Mao Mao...
If Candice Bergen married the celloist Yo-Yo Ma, divorced him and married Martin Sheen, she'd be Candy Machine.
Q: What did Fritz Katzenjammer
say to his brother as he pushed their mother off a cliff?
A: "Look Hans, no ma!"
A guy walks by a bakery every
day at the same time, and witnesses a big woman hitting a little
kid over the head with a loaf of Italian bread. This goes on for
days on end, until one day the man walks by and sees the woman
hit the kid on the head with a chocolate cake.
Piqued by curiousity, the man walks into the bakery and says, "Hey, I don't mean to pry, but every day I walk by you hit this poor little kid over the head with a loaf of bread, and today you hit him with a chocolate cake. What gives?"
The woman replies, "Today is his birthday!"
When little Johnny was called on for show-and-tell
in kindergarten, he proclaimed, "My show and tell is out in the hallway;
I'll need some help bringing it in."
The teacher inquired, "What do you have for us, Johnny?"
Johnny replied, "My father's iron lung."
"Johnny, how could you?" the teacher admonished. "What did your father say?"
Johnny answered, "Aaaaahhhhrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh...."
An eskimo detective grilling a
suspect: "Where were you on the evening of September 21 thru
(See, the nights are 6 months long way up north, but let's not get Inuit...)
Did you hear about the guy who went to sleep
and dreamt he was a tailpipe of a 1952 Studebaker?
He woke up exhausted!
This week we have CHAPSTICK HUMOR.
While riding home from work, a Yuppie
businessman suddenly realizes it's his wedding anniversary. He
hightails it to a florist's shop, arriving five minutes before
the store's closing. Unable to remember his wife's favorite type
of flower, the harried exec allows the sales clerk to sell him a
miniature palm tree. As he pulls into his driveway, he suddenly
remembers the elusive kind of flowers anemones but,
When he presents his wife the palm, he says "Happy Anniversary, honey. I'm sorry I didn't get you your favorite flowers." "No problem," responds the elated wife, "with fronds like this , who needs anemones!"