What do you get when you cross Lamont Cranston with Stevie
A rabbi, a sumo wrestler and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The rabbi orders a Shirley Temple. The bartender responds, "Oh, I see. You're a rabbi, and you want a Shirley Temple!" The bartender gets the rabbi his drink.
The sumo wrestler asks for an Alabama Slammer. The bartender exclaims, "Oh, I see. You're a wrestler and you want an Alabama Slammer!"
Finally the bartender gets to the giraffe. The giraffe orders a Long Island Iced Tea. The bartender quizically responds, "I don't see the connection."
The giraffe says "Haven't you ever heard of Great Neck!"
(co-written by Derek Tague and Victoria Biggers)
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A: The lighting.
Did you hear about the new movie about pirates? It's rated AAAARRRR!
Why were the Native Americans the first people in this
Because they had reservations.
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got twelve months!
A proton walks into a bar and asks the bar patrons: "Hey, can any of you guys help me? I lost my electron." The patrons ask, "Are you sure?" The proton replies: "I'm positive!"
Did you hear Willie Nelson just got hit by a car? He was playing "On the Road Again"...
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Q: What does a dyslexic rabbi say?
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If Daisy Fuentes married Lucious Beebe, divorced him and married Moses Gunn, she'd be Daisy BeBe Gunn.
Q: What did the mother buffalo say to her child
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Q: How come Moon rocks taste much better than
A: Because a Moon rock is a little meteor.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks: "Olive or Twist?"
A question: if Con is the opposite of Pro, does that mean Congress is the opposite of Progress?
Q: Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocaine when
he had his tooth pulled?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
If Mai Britt married comedian Marty Brill, divorced him and married baseball player Robin Yount, then divorced him and married jazz musician Chick Corea, she'd be My Brilliant Career.
If Oxford Health Care Plan merged with College Inn Broth, the new company would be called Oxford College.
If the Ore-Ida French fry company merged with Sun Microsystems and, in turn, merged with Wells Fargo, the new company would be called Ore-Sun Wells.
A shop owner engaged the services of a lawyer to press charges against an alleged shoplifter. The lawyer asked, "Well, what did he take?" "Eleven bottles of soda" replied the shop owner. "Well," responded the lawyer, "if he took twelvebottles you'd have a case!"
A guy is roasting something at a campsite. His friend comes over and asks, "hey, what are you roasting?" "Spotted Owl" is the reply. The friend is agast, and says, "what, are you crazy? They're an endangered species!" "But they taste pretty good. Here, you want a taste?" The friend, indignant, responds, "No, I'll have nothing to do with this." But his curiousity gets the best of him, and he asks the camper "So, how does it taste?" The camper responds, "Oh, like Bald Eagle..."