Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Fish.
Did you hear UPS and FedEx are merging? The new company willbe called FedUP.
Two rabbis met for lunch one day. One rabbi bemoaned the factthat many had left his congregation to become Quakers, or as heput it: "Some of my best Jews are Friends."
Q: How come there is so much water in awatermelon? A: Because they're planted in the spring.
There once lived a preacher who was verywell-respected in his community in spite of his notoriousdrinking problem. One day he was pulled over by a HighwayPatrolman. The lawman said, "Sorry, Rev, you were swerving acouple of miles back... " At this point, he noticed a bottleon the floor of the minister's car, and inquired, "What'sthat you have in the bottle, sir?" The quick-thinkingreverend said, "It's just a container of Holy Water."After inspecting the bottle, the patrolman remarked, "Thisisn't Holy Water – it's vodka!," to which the preacherreplied, "Praise the Lord! He's done it again!"
Q: How come phone rates are so high inIran? A: Because everybody speaks Persian-to-Persian.
Every night at 6 pm, an Irishman entersa bar in Long Island and orders three pints of Guinness. One daythe bartender inquires about this out-of-the-ordinary ritual, andthe Irishman tells him about a custom started years ago inIreland in which he and his two brothers would gather at a localpub at 6 pm every night and order three Guinnesses, and that hewas continuing the tradition in spite of his brothers' absence.
This goes on in Long Island for abouttwo years, until one day the Irishman only orders two Guinnesses.After about a week of just two pints, the bartender asks,"Hey, Mike, you've been ordering three pints of Guinnessevery day for two years, and all of a sudden you're ordering justtwo.... What happened? Did one of your brothers pass on? Did youhave a falling out with one of them?"
"Not at all" replied theIrishman. "It's me... I've given up the drink forLent."
Did you hear about the successfulSiamese twin-separating surgery performed in Prague? The doctorhanded each parent a separate Czech.
Did you hear about the rabbi who becamea nun? He had a sect-change operation.
Did you hear about the guy who broke hisleg tap-dancing? He kept falling into the sink.
A guy decided to enter a pun-writingcontest. He thought he would increase his chances by sending inten different puns... He was disappointed when none of his punswon; in fact, NO PUN IN TEN DID...
Q: What do you get when you cross LSDand birth control pills? A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What's brown and black and looks goodon a lawyer? A: A Doberman.
A horse and an alligator walk into abar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Hey, why thelong faces?"
After riding the range in the hot sunfor a couple of days, the Lone Ranger and Tonto came upon a dryand dusty frontier town. The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, afterthat long ride I'm a mite thirsty. I'm going to head into thatsaloon over there. As you can see, our horses are all hot andbothered. Think of some way to cool them down while I have adrink." "Yes, Kemo Sabe," replied Tonto. Tonto,the ever-resourceful Indian companion, decided to stir up abreeze by running around Silver and Scout. Moments later, a manentered the saloon and asked, "Who owns that white horseoutside?" The Lone Ranger replied, "That's my horse,Silver, the finest horse west of the Mississippi.What's yourproblem, stranger?" "Oh, nothing," he replied."But you left your Injun running."