Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Fish.
Did you hear UPS and FedEx are merging? The new company will be called FedUP.
Two rabbis met for lunch one day. One rabbi bemoaned the fact that many had left his congregation to become Quakers, or as he put it: "Some of my best Jews are Friends."
Q: How come there is so much water in a watermelon? A: Because they're planted in the spring.
There once lived a preacher who was very well-respected in his community in spite of his notorious drinking problem. One day he was pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The lawman said, "Sorry, Rev, you were swerving a couple of miles back... " At this point, he noticed a bottle on the floor of the minister's car, and inquired, "What's that you have in the bottle, sir?" The quick-thinking reverend said, "It's just a container of Holy Water." After inspecting the bottle, the patrolman remarked, "This isn't Holy Water it's vodka!," to which the preacher replied, "Praise the Lord! He's done it again!"
Q: How come phone rates are so high in Iran? A: Because everybody speaks Persian-to-Persian.
Every night at 6 pm, an Irishman enters a bar in Long Island and orders three pints of Guinness. One day the bartender inquires about this out-of-the-ordinary ritual, and the Irishman tells him about a custom started years ago in Ireland in which he and his two brothers would gather at a local pub at 6 pm every night and order three Guinnesses, and that he was continuing the tradition in spite of his brothers' absence.
This goes on in Long Island for about two years, until one day the Irishman only orders two Guinnesses. After about a week of just two pints, the bartender asks, "Hey, Mike, you've been ordering three pints of Guinness every day for two years, and all of a sudden you're ordering just two.... What happened? Did one of your brothers pass on? Did you have a falling out with one of them?"
"Not at all" replied the Irishman. "It's me... I've given up the drink for Lent."
Did you hear about the successful Siamese twin-separating surgery performed in Prague? The doctor handed each parent a separate Czech.
Did you hear about the rabbi who became a nun? He had a sect-change operation.
Did you hear about the guy who broke his leg tap-dancing? He kept falling into the sink.
A guy decided to enter a pun-writing contest. He thought he would increase his chances by sending in ten different puns... He was disappointed when none of his puns won; in fact, NO PUN IN TEN DID...
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD and birth control pills? A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.
A horse and an alligator walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Hey, why the long faces?"
After riding the range in the hot sun for a couple of days, the Lone Ranger and Tonto came upon a dry and dusty frontier town. The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, after that long ride I'm a mite thirsty. I'm going to head into that saloon over there. As you can see, our horses are all hot and bothered. Think of some way to cool them down while I have a drink." "Yes, Kemo Sabe," replied Tonto. Tonto, the ever-resourceful Indian companion, decided to stir up a breeze by running around Silver and Scout. Moments later, a man entered the saloon and asked, "Who owns that white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger replied, "That's my horse, Silver, the finest horse west of the Mississippi.What's your problem, stranger?" "Oh, nothing," he replied. "But you left your Injun running."