Even more from the Joke of the Week Archives:
A guy in a diner says, "Hey, this coffee tastes like mud!" The waitress responds, "that doesn't surprise me. It was just ground this morning."
As he is shown into the cell of a death-row inmate, a prison
chaplin intones, "the warden is allowing you five minutes of
grace before they hang you."
"That's not much time," replies the condemned man, "but send her in!"
Q: What's the difference between the North Pole and the South
A: All the difference in the world.
Q: Why does it take a runner longer to get from second base to
third than it does from first to second?
A: Because between second and third there is a shortstop.
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
(courtesy of Marvin Schnall)
Did you hear about the illegitimate bowl of Rick Krispies? It has a Snap and a Crackle, but no Pop.
A U.S. woman was traveling in a Latin American dictatorship.
She asked a local, "Tell me, sir, what is the national sport
in this country?" The native replied, "That would be
"Why!", gasped the woman, " that's revolting!"
"No, ma'am," responded the local, "that's the second national sport!"
One day, while out flying, Peter Pan realized his keys were
missing, due to a hole in his pocket. He flew down to Earth,
searching all over for his errant keychain. He wondered why he
never heard the jangling of keys when they landed... until he
came to the realization that when the keys fell from his pocket
they floated away...
... because after all, these are Peter Pan's keys; they will Never-never land...
(courtesy of Walter Mitchell)
Q:What do you get when you play a Country 'n' Western song backwards? A: You get your job back, your wife back, your car back, and you sober up.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: First, take your foot off his head...
Did you hear Buckwheat became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat.
While walking his beat one day, a policeman is approached by a man and a penguin. The man says to him "Officer, I don't know what to do. This penguin keeps following me." Not wanting to be bothered with the paperwork involved in dealing with this situation, the policeman tells him, "just take that penguin to the zoo." The next day the policeman sees the man and the penguin again. He approaches the man and says "Hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo." The man replies, "I did... today I'm taking him to the movies!"
A couple walked into a fancy restaurant. The maitre' de asked "do you have reservations?" The guy replied "Yes, but we want to eat here anyway."
An Australian went on walkabout and came upon a little town called Mercy. While in Mercy, he came upon a luncheonette, and asked the counter-person Lets have a Fosters, mate. The counter-man said Oh, we dont serve beer here. Ill bring you some of our special blend of tea. The explorer took a look at the tea, which had big brown clumps in it, and said Yeech. What is this? The counter-man said its our special tea made from the meat of Koala bears. Yes, replied the man, but why the big brown clumps? Shouldnt the tea at least be strained? Ah, said the counter-man, The Koala-tea of Mercy is not strained.
A monastery once prepared for a visit from the archbishop. They decided to pull out all stops; for dinner they made their famous fish and chips, a dish this monastery was renowned for. The archbishop loved it. He was so moved by how the fish and chips tasted that he went to the refectory to compliment the chief. He saw a monk there and asked, "Pardon me, are you the fish Friar?" "No", he replied, "I'm the chip Monk."
A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Get out, we don't like strings in here." So the string leaves. While outside, the string decides to try a different tact. He scuffs himself up, unravels himself, and ties himself in a knot. Feeling sufficiently disguised, he goes back into the bar. The bartender says "I told you, we don't like your kind in here. You're a string." "No", replies the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Q: What did the bald man say when he received a comb for his birthday? A: Thanks, I'll never part with it.